Self-abandonment and High Vigilance
I recently read a couple of bloggy articles that are giving me greater insight into my own personal experiences with motherhood. Becoming a mother has completely changed me, changed my perception of myself, changed my interactions (or lack thereof) with others… I am currently a different person than I ever knew myself to be. Evidently, when you become a mother your brain literally reprograms itself, through hormonal changes as well as the draining of nutrients during pregnancy (the baby steals an average of 5% of mommy’s brain via the placenta) Hormones also work to establish a bonding connection between mommy and baby. A connection is made even on a cellular level - mommy carries baby dna, acquired via the placenta, in her body for the rest of her life. We begin during those 9 months of gestation to shift priorities, to shed attachment to our wants and needs for the sake of our little unborns. We stop eating certain things and doing certain activities. We surrender the functions of our bodies to the needs within our wombs. It is pretty wild! Regardless of your style of parenting, once born, baby is very dependent solely on mommy during those first weeks, even months, especially if breastfeeding is involved. Mommy learns the nuances of every sound, every expression, every wiggle and giggle. Mommy can identify from another room, without looking at baby, that she is cold or that he needs his teddy bear. Mommy’s every sense is open, reaching, raw nerve sensitive to baby’s needs, even while sleeping, even while away from home. Do I think that Daddy’s also develop this level of sensitivity, hyper-vigilance as named in one article? No, no I do not. It is hormonal, physiological, initiated by pregnancy. So while Daddy’s might have their own version of attention I don’t think it can go to the depths that Mommy’s can experience. As babies become independently mobile a new level of vigilance is required. They can get into everything, and are especially drawn to the stuff you didn’t think to baby proof, or wouldn’t know how to baby proof if you had thought of it. Every time I turn around it seems I saving one from falling or grabbing something dangerous or doing something naughty to the other or destructive to the house or all of these combined- it is exhausting. It is a constant anxiety, fight or flight readiness. I have become incredibly impulsive in my responses, and irrationally emotional. I have a hard time focusing on conversations with my partner because the majority of my brain power if occupied with listening, looking, sensing what the boys might be up to. The slightest sound wakes me from sleep. I can be forgetful, wired, anxious, drained, guilty, isolated, frustrated, detached, and numb all at once. With all of this focus on the kids, mothers tend to abandon their own needs, wishes, and passions. I only recently came to the painful realization that I don't matter in my own life, not even to myself. While I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own happiness and well being, I shifted expectation of that fulfillment to my partner and then even to my sons. Realizing that I was putting that burden on them was a moment of clarity and a shift happened in my perspective. I have to treat myself like I matter and doing so does not mean I am neglecting my responsibilities to my family, it does not mean I am withdrawing attention, love, care from them. I means I am including myself in that picture, I am acknowledging that I too am deserving of attention, love, and care and that I am going to choose it. That is only one piece of this puzzle, though it is a big one. I am beginning to explore how the yoga practice affects specifically these aspects of high-vigilance, constant anxiety, impulsive responsiveness, etc etc etc
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