Beginning my third trimester as a pregnant Ashtangi. It has already been an experience I could never have anticipated. When I became pregnant, I was certainly ready to have the experience, ready to be a mom, but absolutely unprepared. How could anyone possibly be prepared for this until they've done it once? The past six months have been filled with lessons in detachment, surrender and allowing. I had always seen myself as a pregnant yogi doing a full and powerful Ashtanga practice with reasonable modifications. If you have read my previous entries, you know that the first trimester dashed that idea almost immediately. In six months I still don't feel as though I have developed my "pregnancy practice" and as I write this I become aware that there is no point to even imagine such a thing manifesting. If I had to chose one word to describe this experience it would be "different". Different from every other pregnant woman I have observed in my classes. Different from the pregnancies I have observed in friends and family. Different than I could have imagined for myself. Different from one day to the next.
My sister once stated that during pregnancy your body belongs to the baby. While I certainly feel that my body is my own, it's purpose is devoted to the wellness and development of another's life. There is nothing that does not affect in some way the growth of the child and the yoga practice has to honor that - talk about ego reduction! Not that the ego hasn't been fighting for it's place. The frustration of loosing the ability to do a pose, overnight - ego. Getting on the mat and trying to determine the difference between what I think I should do and what I want to do - ego. Completely avoiding, for months, primary series because it doesn't feel good - ego. On this last one I was recently challenged by one of my own teachers to practice the primary series, mindfully and examine what this "doesn't feel good" story is all about. Reluctantly, I did. It was difficult and fascinating! As I moved through the practice, I modified as I needed to, not at all attempting to do the practice as if I were not pregnant, but observing in every moment what dialogue came up, what emotions arose, etc. I learned the difference between very real inner warnings "don't do this, not good for the baby" and feelings of avoidance based on frustration or even disappointment that I could not do a thing (like bind - in basically anything) Body image stuff came up, very personal stories played out in my mind. By the end of it, I think I had developed even more compassion - for myself certainly but also for any beginner on the Ashtanga path, attempting this primary series for the first time.
A deeper and for me profound understanding of primary series also came out of this little experience. I felt for the first time how insistently this series of Ashtanga asks you to "go in". The entire seated practice is directing and demanding that you pay attention to the inner spaces. This became uncomfortably apparent when I currently have no inner spaces accessible. All of the forward folds, the twists that take you into yourself, etc are taking you from your external perceptions towards the internal - feel the belly draw in, feel the hips fold in, feel the rib cage twist in. And course, as we know, the physical experience and the mental and emotional ones are interconnected. Reluctance to experience the physical inside often reflects reluctance to become aware of inner world's in these other fields. It gives me even more respect for the Ashtanga system. There is so much intention. Before allowing you to do the expansive and opening positions of second series, this yoga makes you first become intimate with yourself. It's amazing! And no wonder I wanted to avoid it almost from conception - that inner space is home to another now. Of course I also learned that there is a way to practice the primary series and also honor that, to modify, not as the ego directs but as the baby needs. And I learned that I can still experience the inner spaces but it is with a very different energy, it is softer, it is communicative - I have to engage the baby and my pregnant body - the ego cannot just rush in, there is no room.
My sister once stated that during pregnancy your body belongs to the baby. While I certainly feel that my body is my own, it's purpose is devoted to the wellness and development of another's life. There is nothing that does not affect in some way the growth of the child and the yoga practice has to honor that - talk about ego reduction! Not that the ego hasn't been fighting for it's place. The frustration of loosing the ability to do a pose, overnight - ego. Getting on the mat and trying to determine the difference between what I think I should do and what I want to do - ego. Completely avoiding, for months, primary series because it doesn't feel good - ego. On this last one I was recently challenged by one of my own teachers to practice the primary series, mindfully and examine what this "doesn't feel good" story is all about. Reluctantly, I did. It was difficult and fascinating! As I moved through the practice, I modified as I needed to, not at all attempting to do the practice as if I were not pregnant, but observing in every moment what dialogue came up, what emotions arose, etc. I learned the difference between very real inner warnings "don't do this, not good for the baby" and feelings of avoidance based on frustration or even disappointment that I could not do a thing (like bind - in basically anything) Body image stuff came up, very personal stories played out in my mind. By the end of it, I think I had developed even more compassion - for myself certainly but also for any beginner on the Ashtanga path, attempting this primary series for the first time.
A deeper and for me profound understanding of primary series also came out of this little experience. I felt for the first time how insistently this series of Ashtanga asks you to "go in". The entire seated practice is directing and demanding that you pay attention to the inner spaces. This became uncomfortably apparent when I currently have no inner spaces accessible. All of the forward folds, the twists that take you into yourself, etc are taking you from your external perceptions towards the internal - feel the belly draw in, feel the hips fold in, feel the rib cage twist in. And course, as we know, the physical experience and the mental and emotional ones are interconnected. Reluctance to experience the physical inside often reflects reluctance to become aware of inner world's in these other fields. It gives me even more respect for the Ashtanga system. There is so much intention. Before allowing you to do the expansive and opening positions of second series, this yoga makes you first become intimate with yourself. It's amazing! And no wonder I wanted to avoid it almost from conception - that inner space is home to another now. Of course I also learned that there is a way to practice the primary series and also honor that, to modify, not as the ego directs but as the baby needs. And I learned that I can still experience the inner spaces but it is with a very different energy, it is softer, it is communicative - I have to engage the baby and my pregnant body - the ego cannot just rush in, there is no room.
