One week has passed since the most profound, most intense, most challenging experience of my life.
Our baby boy was born at home January 12, 2012 at 10:21pm. It was long, 49 hours from when I realized I was in fact in the early stages of labor and not just having another false start or practice session like I had been having the past week. "The event", as I sometimes refer to it, completely shattered any expectations I had regarding the birthing. In the nine months of pregnancy I was preparing for a relatively easy delivery. I thought, "I am in shape, I have my yoga, I have been practicing my breathing, my visualization, I have educated myself, I am SO ready for this!" Now, you would think I had learned my lesson about expectations when I went through the process of adjusting my yoga practice throughout the pregnancy. See previous blog entries for details on how that went! Evidently baby had more lessons for mama regarding expectations, as well as patience, compassion, strength and love.
Those first stages of labor just took a really long time. Contractions were steady, consistent and gradually increasing in intensity but their affect on my body was subtle. It took about 30 hours to get to 4 dilation. This was through two nights that I was able to sleep maybe a total of 4 hours, and there was no eating, anything I tried was rejected by my stomach. It was the second day that I finally found my yoga, I finally surrendered. As the sun came up, we all: midwife, doula, daddy, mommy, gave fresh intention, energy and awareness to the event. Daddy and I went walking in hallway of my building. The walking actually lessened the intensity of the contractions and I was able to observe the tension I was holding in my body. I had been using a breathing technique and visualization that I thought was helping me but it turned out that in my case it was allowing me to hold on rather than let go. So a shift happened. It was a dropping away of layers of preparation, of "doing". I became a passive participant - I let the labor happen and I allowed myself to be led by it. Returning to the apt, I sank into a meditation practice, I disappeared for a while, several hours I think. As the intensity gradually returned to where it had been through the night and passed it, I was able to maintain an attitude of acceptance. Time in the tub and a blessed visit from an accupuncturist brought me to the final stages, 8 cm and the stomach spasms that urged me to push. Of course, pushing was not available yet, so I released my body into daddy's arms and spent a few hours resisting the push, then finally the door was open and the real hard stuff began. Through three hours of pushing, we realized that the baby was coming through facing sideways rather than down, making his navigation that much more difficult, he was also leading with his forehead rather than his crown, so the widest part of his 14" head rather than the narrowest and the poor thing had his hand up by his face with his elbow jutting in front of him, widening his chest and shoulders. When finally his head cleared, I knew we were home free, I was calm as the midwife reached in for his little hand to pull it out before the shoulders and then the whole was born into the world. When I pulled him to my chest and looked into his face, it was magic. I had never felt such presence and total absorbtion in a single moment. Distantly my senses observed daddy sobbing silently behind me, his body's convulsions rocking me and baby. We did it! Finally!
I realize that had I been in a hospital I would probably not have been allowed to birth naturally, some intervention, even as much as a C-section would have been urged if not insisted on. This doesn't mean I or the baby was ever at any risk during those two nights and two days. We were monitored closely and all was well throughout, it just happened to take a really long time. I can't deny that there were times that I acknowledged to myself, if they were available to me, I may have asked for meds. There were times I felt like I was failing and I would not actually be capable of birthing my baby into the world. I even told the midwife that I didn't believe her when she said the pushing was doing its job. I am limitlessly grateful to the midwife for never saying the words "hospital" "transportation" etc. She only said "We will give it some more time and then discuss your options." We kept giving it time, but the discussions never happened. We all stayed on the plan, and I couldn't be more appreciative.
The midwife had appointments with other mothers that she had to cancel while she was with me and even took a few hours out of the second night to go deliver another baby (can you imagine what that did to my psychology lol) A couple of days later the midwife told me that one of her mothers asked if I was really in labor that long. When it was confirmed, the mother said "Does she realize how amazing and strong she is?" My midwife responded "Not yet, but she will" Its true. Not yet. But I will. It is coming to me. As this week has passed I realize what a blessing that difficult experience has been. For one thing, the bond that has been established among the three of us, daddy, baby and me is so deep. We got through this together, we did this together, my effort, daddy's support (which blew me away, by the way, I didn't know he had so much in him to give so tirelessly and generously. And it continues as we learn to care for this little bundle) and baby's intention. Baby was the director of his birth and I see that he is the director of his life. Daddy and I are here to facilitate and support him, that's our job as it was during birth, and we can handle anything. Of course, there was also a yogic lesson for me. I learned a lot by way of control, surrender, acceptance, compassion, patience. I learned that the capabilities of the human body, mind, heart, and spirit are way more expansive than we realize until we are pushed to release ourselves into our true potential. We are all superheros when called to be. If it is challenging, growth is inevitable.
Our baby boy was born at home January 12, 2012 at 10:21pm. It was long, 49 hours from when I realized I was in fact in the early stages of labor and not just having another false start or practice session like I had been having the past week. "The event", as I sometimes refer to it, completely shattered any expectations I had regarding the birthing. In the nine months of pregnancy I was preparing for a relatively easy delivery. I thought, "I am in shape, I have my yoga, I have been practicing my breathing, my visualization, I have educated myself, I am SO ready for this!" Now, you would think I had learned my lesson about expectations when I went through the process of adjusting my yoga practice throughout the pregnancy. See previous blog entries for details on how that went! Evidently baby had more lessons for mama regarding expectations, as well as patience, compassion, strength and love.
Those first stages of labor just took a really long time. Contractions were steady, consistent and gradually increasing in intensity but their affect on my body was subtle. It took about 30 hours to get to 4 dilation. This was through two nights that I was able to sleep maybe a total of 4 hours, and there was no eating, anything I tried was rejected by my stomach. It was the second day that I finally found my yoga, I finally surrendered. As the sun came up, we all: midwife, doula, daddy, mommy, gave fresh intention, energy and awareness to the event. Daddy and I went walking in hallway of my building. The walking actually lessened the intensity of the contractions and I was able to observe the tension I was holding in my body. I had been using a breathing technique and visualization that I thought was helping me but it turned out that in my case it was allowing me to hold on rather than let go. So a shift happened. It was a dropping away of layers of preparation, of "doing". I became a passive participant - I let the labor happen and I allowed myself to be led by it. Returning to the apt, I sank into a meditation practice, I disappeared for a while, several hours I think. As the intensity gradually returned to where it had been through the night and passed it, I was able to maintain an attitude of acceptance. Time in the tub and a blessed visit from an accupuncturist brought me to the final stages, 8 cm and the stomach spasms that urged me to push. Of course, pushing was not available yet, so I released my body into daddy's arms and spent a few hours resisting the push, then finally the door was open and the real hard stuff began. Through three hours of pushing, we realized that the baby was coming through facing sideways rather than down, making his navigation that much more difficult, he was also leading with his forehead rather than his crown, so the widest part of his 14" head rather than the narrowest and the poor thing had his hand up by his face with his elbow jutting in front of him, widening his chest and shoulders. When finally his head cleared, I knew we were home free, I was calm as the midwife reached in for his little hand to pull it out before the shoulders and then the whole was born into the world. When I pulled him to my chest and looked into his face, it was magic. I had never felt such presence and total absorbtion in a single moment. Distantly my senses observed daddy sobbing silently behind me, his body's convulsions rocking me and baby. We did it! Finally!
I realize that had I been in a hospital I would probably not have been allowed to birth naturally, some intervention, even as much as a C-section would have been urged if not insisted on. This doesn't mean I or the baby was ever at any risk during those two nights and two days. We were monitored closely and all was well throughout, it just happened to take a really long time. I can't deny that there were times that I acknowledged to myself, if they were available to me, I may have asked for meds. There were times I felt like I was failing and I would not actually be capable of birthing my baby into the world. I even told the midwife that I didn't believe her when she said the pushing was doing its job. I am limitlessly grateful to the midwife for never saying the words "hospital" "transportation" etc. She only said "We will give it some more time and then discuss your options." We kept giving it time, but the discussions never happened. We all stayed on the plan, and I couldn't be more appreciative.
The midwife had appointments with other mothers that she had to cancel while she was with me and even took a few hours out of the second night to go deliver another baby (can you imagine what that did to my psychology lol) A couple of days later the midwife told me that one of her mothers asked if I was really in labor that long. When it was confirmed, the mother said "Does she realize how amazing and strong she is?" My midwife responded "Not yet, but she will" Its true. Not yet. But I will. It is coming to me. As this week has passed I realize what a blessing that difficult experience has been. For one thing, the bond that has been established among the three of us, daddy, baby and me is so deep. We got through this together, we did this together, my effort, daddy's support (which blew me away, by the way, I didn't know he had so much in him to give so tirelessly and generously. And it continues as we learn to care for this little bundle) and baby's intention. Baby was the director of his birth and I see that he is the director of his life. Daddy and I are here to facilitate and support him, that's our job as it was during birth, and we can handle anything. Of course, there was also a yogic lesson for me. I learned a lot by way of control, surrender, acceptance, compassion, patience. I learned that the capabilities of the human body, mind, heart, and spirit are way more expansive than we realize until we are pushed to release ourselves into our true potential. We are all superheros when called to be. If it is challenging, growth is inevitable.
Very nice! I surrendered, to both the drugs and the epidural... You are awesome - can't wait to meet this little being!
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