From the Archives: April 9, 2016 Parenting and the Search for Unicorns

Parenting and the Search for Unicorns

Yoga is hard work. Parenting is hard work. Maintaining a yoga practice while trying to apply yogic principles to parenting is like . . . building a bridge to Neverland in search of a unicorn. Or is it? One of the primary principles of yoga is the cultivation of non-attachment. Practicing non-attachment can be very helpful in approaching your yoga practice while caring for small children.

Before we can really understand what non-attachment is we need to first distinctly remove the idea of what it is not - aversion. Non-attachment does not mean avoidance. It does not mean staying away from those things you are tempted to attach to. Non-attachment is allowing anything and everything without identifying the self with its presence. It is doing the work required of you without expectation of the results of that effort.

In yoga asana practice, the concept of non-attachment becomes tangible and workable. We do our forward folds every practice, without the expectation that today we will touch our toes, or bring our nose to our knees. We simply fold forward, day after day with intention and allow the body to respond. It would be nice if we flattened our bodies against our legs but until then, we continue to fold forward, as far as we can, day after day. Of course we want it, the wanting is part of the motivation but whether we get to that ultimate end or not does not affect the daily work of folding forward and does not affect the way we identify ourselves. Are you “a forward folder” or “not a forward folder”? Neither. You are a person, a divine light, who happens to be doing the work of forward folding.

Pregnancy and parenthood taught me a lot about releasing my expectations. When I first became pregnant I thought I would be one of those preggy ladies doing amazing advanced poses into my ninth month, huge belly and all. Turned out to not be the case, at all. Labor and delivery also were far from what I expected. I thought: “Hey i do yoga, I meditate, do breath work. This labor thing is going to be a breeze.” 49 hours later, my expectations were completely shattered. Returning to my mat postpartum I was reminded, over and over again, to let go of what I thought was supposed to be happening and simply exist in the now of what WAS happening. It was, and remains, a challenging lesson to integrate. Now two years past the birth of my second child, with two preschool children at home, I focus on the effort, commitment, strength, and discipline it takes to simply get on my mat consistently. I set intentions for my practice but in the end I allow it to manifest as it does. I have come to accept and trust that the time will come, not too far from now, that I will be able to give more of my mental capacities, physical efforts and consecutive minutes to time on my mat. I accept that at this time, it is not so important to work my deepest leg behind head poses, or my deepest backbend etc. The importance of my practice right now is that it provide me with time alone, time to go in, time for nurturing and strengthening and time for self-attention. 

While dreaming of being a parent someday I always imagined this little Buddha baby, the epitome of peace and love. The child would manifest all of the yogic principles I have spent so much time working on in myself. How could they not bloom in the life I created? We are never the parents that we think we would be. There is nothing anyone can do, think, or say to be prepared for parenthood. You simply have no idea until you are neck deep in it. Sri K Pattabhi Jois, the long-time head of the Ashtanga lineage, which has six series of asana sequences that get progressively harder, was known to have referred to parenting as seventh series yoga - because it is hard, like really really hard. It is easy to approach life with yogic principles when all you have to worry about is yourself. It is easy to do a two hour yoga practice every day if you only have your own schedule to be concerned about. It is easy to remain steady and focused on your practice when it is one thing on a short list of priorities. The real yoga happens when you add in the challenges of children, a partner, etc. Now, with all of these obstacles, do your yoga. Now find inner peace. The challenge is the point. And like that forward fold, we don’t stop trying because it is hard. We do the work, day after day without attachment to the results of that work. We get on our mats, we breath in and breath out, we focus our attention inward, we cultivate the inner strength required to face our kids with love (for them as well as for ourselves). We remain mindful of our intentions to guide them and hopefully teach them something about being loving, peaceful beings in this world. It would be nice if they would become shining examples of divine light in physical form, little unicorns. It would be nice, but until then, do your best. Do the work, on and off your mat, build the bridge.

From the Archives: April 9, 2016 Self-abandonment and High Vigilance

Self-abandonment and High Vigilance




I recently read a couple of bloggy articles that are giving me greater insight into my own personal experiences with motherhood. Becoming a mother has completely changed me, changed my perception of myself, changed my interactions (or lack thereof) with others… I am currently a different person than I ever knew myself to be. Evidently, when you become a mother your brain literally reprograms itself, through hormonal changes as well as the draining of nutrients during pregnancy (the baby steals an average of 5% of mommy’s brain via the placenta) Hormones also work to establish a bonding connection between mommy and baby. A connection is made even on a cellular level - mommy carries baby dna, acquired via the placenta, in her body for the rest of her life. We begin during those 9 months of gestation to shift priorities, to shed attachment to our wants and needs for the sake of our little unborns. We stop eating certain things and doing certain activities. We surrender the functions of our bodies to the needs within our wombs. It is pretty wild! Regardless of your style of parenting, once born, baby is very dependent solely on mommy during those first weeks, even months, especially if breastfeeding is involved. Mommy learns the nuances of every sound, every expression, every wiggle and giggle. Mommy can identify from another room, without looking at baby, that she is cold or that he needs his teddy bear. Mommy’s every sense is open, reaching, raw nerve sensitive to baby’s needs, even while sleeping, even while away from home. Do I think that Daddy’s also develop this level of sensitivity, hyper-vigilance as named in one article? No, no I do not. It is hormonal, physiological, initiated by pregnancy. So while Daddy’s might have their own version of attention I don’t think it can go to the depths that Mommy’s can experience. As babies become independently mobile a new level of vigilance is required. They can get into everything, and are especially drawn to the stuff you didn’t think to baby proof, or wouldn’t know how to baby proof if you had thought of it. Every time I turn around it seems I saving one from falling or grabbing something dangerous or doing something naughty to the other or destructive to the house or all of these combined- it is exhausting. It is a constant anxiety, fight or flight readiness. I have become incredibly impulsive in my responses, and irrationally emotional. I have a hard time focusing on conversations with my partner because the majority of my brain power if occupied with listening, looking, sensing what the boys might be up to. The slightest sound wakes me from sleep. I can be forgetful, wired, anxious, drained, guilty, isolated, frustrated, detached, and numb all at once. With all of this focus on the kids, mothers tend to abandon their own needs, wishes, and passions. I only recently came to the painful realization that I don't matter in my own life, not even to myself. While I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own happiness and well being, I shifted expectation of that fulfillment to my partner and then even to my sons. Realizing that I was putting that burden on them was a moment of clarity and a shift happened in my perspective. I have to treat myself like I matter and doing so does not mean I am neglecting my responsibilities to my family, it does not mean I am withdrawing attention, love, care from them. I means I am including myself in that picture, I am acknowledging that I too am deserving of attention, love, and care and that I am going to choose it. That is only one piece of this puzzle, though it is a big one. I am beginning to explore how the yoga practice affects specifically these aspects of high-vigilance, constant anxiety, impulsive responsiveness, etc etc etc

From the Arcives: July 19, 2016 What is Ashtanga?

What is Ashtanga? 

Have you ever practiced Ashtanga Yoga? No? Have you ever practiced vinyasa, flow, or power? These methods are all very closely related. What exactly is the relationship among these yoga asana modalities? Let’s take a look … but to do so we have to go back, way back, back in time and to a place called India. Heard of it? 

In 1888 a man named Sri T. Krishnamacharya was born. Read more about him on krishnamacharya.net We now refer to him as the father of modern yoga and he was responsible for the revival of yoga asana practice as we know it today. Legend tells that he learned the method from ancient papyrus scrolls of unknown age provided by his teacher, Ramamohan Brahmachari, in a cave in the Himalayas. Intriguing, isn’t it? The method he taught was Vinyasa Yoga. Vinyasa refers to the interconnection of breath and movement and dynamic sequencing where each asana or posture is linked by specific transitions, creating a constant flow where from the first breath and movement to the last there is steadiness and continuity, allowing for elements of moving meditation and pranayama practice. It was a method of therapy and healing and a way to integrate the physical body into spiritual practices of the modern (at that time) yogi. His many students spread out into the world teaching methods based on their personal experiences as students and as teachers. We won’t go into all of those divergent methods - that’s a topic for a much longer article - but I will drop some names right here: B.K.S. Iyengar, Sri Desikachar, Indra Devi (a woman!), B.N.S. Iyengar, and Sri K. Pattabhi Jois. 

Sri K. Pattabhi Jois took over Krishnamacharya’s teachings in Mysore, India when the master moved away (and continued to teach, by the way). The method that Jois inherited from his teacher and then further developed came to be known as Ashtanga Yoga. Ashtanga is set sequences of postures, the same poses done in the same order, every time. The organization is progressive so that each asana prepares the body, nervous system, mind, and personality for what follows. It is very structured and intentional and has been practiced very much the same way - with some changes dictated by experience and time and thousands of students - since the early 20th century. So, like … a hundred years or so. Ashtanga is traditionally practiced in the Mysore method (named after the city in India that is the heart and home of the lineage). Mysore is a self-practice approach in which each student moves through the Ashtanga sequence as they have been taught, in their own time, to their own breath. The teacher is available to provide guidance, instruct, and introduce new postures as is appropriate for each student’s individual journey.

It is only since the 1970’s and 80’s that Ashtanga began to spread in the west and specifically America. In the 90’s, some students of Ashtanga began to imagine other approaches to yoga asana and the Vinyasa method. Particularly they wanted to alter the sequencing, be more creative and free from the structure that was Ashtanga. These new methods came to be known by the more general term Vinyasa as they maintained the dynamic linking nature of movement, and focus on breath, but could not be called Ashtanga as they did not maintain the set sequence. The term “Vinyasa” became westernized into “Flow” meaning basically the same thing in a non-sanskrit kinda way. Other students of Ashtanga focused on the dynamic, athleticism of the Ashtanga practice and chose to organize their sequences in a way that prioritized power and endurance, hence “Power” yoga was born. Others blended what they knew from Ashtanga with other lineages entirely, like Sivananda (again, a topic for another time) which is how Jivamukti was born, among others. 

Even today students of the “traditional” methods, those with a strong lineage and tradition of parampara (receiving transference of knowledge directly from a master teacher), are creating their own approach to this ancient practice of self discovery and transformation. At its purest, yoga is a spiritual practice that leads us to awareness and experience of our true nature as divine beings. But whatever your reason for choosing to get on your mat, yoga has benefit for that as well. And whether you choose power, flow, Vinyasa, Iyengar, or Ashtanga, you can offer thanks to the father, Krishnamacharya.

From the Archives: July 12, 2009 A Gift From India

From the Archives: July 12, 2009

“A Gift from India” 

We have all come to the yoga practice for a myriad of reasons, each of us with different intentions. At some point when you have practiced long enough with consistency you realize that the practice of yoga is about going inward and learning about the Self.  Who am I?  That is the question and yoga has the answer.   Within the experiences of the body we come to our first road blocks or obstructions and learn that these can be overcome.  Yoga shows us our habits over and over again until we learn new methods to retrain our bodies and develop a deeper awareness of how the body moves.  While recently spending a month in India I realized that India herself offers the same lessons.  She shows you to yourself without sugar-coating or perfume.  Any patterns or habits become clear and unavoidable giving you the opportunity to react differently and to learn something new.  

Our ego, which is only a distraction though a strong one, is a way of identifying ourselves with things outside of the Self.  The true Self is beyond labels or competition and it is present only in the moment of the experience.  Doing an asana practice, we learn that we have the strength and awareness to work through physical pain and resistance.  Through consistent asana practice over a long period of time we work from places of tension, stiffness, weakness and fatigue into places of freedom, release, strength and stability.  As we overcome the obstacles of asana we learn that the negative voice of ego resistance can be silenced or at least turned down significantly and we can keep moving.  The way we look at our bodies and our practice begins to change without our even trying.  No matter the pose we are working on or our abilities regarding that pose, the real lessons are about how we react to the challenge.    

In the same way spending time in India has been for me a magnifying glass that puts my tendencies into glaring perspective.  Mysore, India is home to Ashtanga yoga and Guruji, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois.  It is the base of operations that is the heart and soul of the Ashtanga practice and a location of pilgrimage for those that practice the Ashtanga yoga method.  Mysore is a place apart from the real world and as a yoga student preparing and planning for practice in Mysore you detach and isolate yourself from your life back at home.  Leaving behind your job, family, obligations, routines and schedules you land in this community where the only thing you have to do and be responsible for is your yoga.  In a culture so different from what we know here in the west the only thing that has any familiarity is yourself or at least who you know yourself to be.  

Like being on your yoga mat, while in Mysore, India you are given the freedom to be completely self-focused and directed inward.  When the only thing you have to do each day is get up and practice the rest of your time becomes an opportunity to do only that which you choose to do.  You learn about how much time you need alone to feel comfortable socializing with people you hardly know.  You learn of your tolerance, acceptance and compassion for anything different from what you are familiar with just by interactions with your surroundings while walking to breakfast or going to the nearby chai (Indian tea) stand.    You begin to see the patterns of what you are drawn to and discover where your pleasure and your inspiration lie. It is an enlightening process to see what you choose when you have complete freedom.  If you find you are making choices out of some sense of obligation this becomes crystal clear.  There is no boss, parent or spouse watching over you, no child to create a model for, and no one to judge you but yourself.  When you look deeply inside you will see what you truly value, what behavior feels right, what behavior feels wrong but that you choose to do anyway and the reasons for your actions.

With no one having expectations of who you are beyond your presence and earnestness on the mat, there is freedom to do, be and live differently.  You learn what you expect of yourself and you learn compassion.  Just as the truth of your bind in Marichyasana D is not something you can fake, the truth of who you are in the world is not easy to fake when presented with the conditions of Mysore.  There is no hiding.  Negative or unhealthy patterns become obvious as well as those you simply no longer need.  Now you are faced with the choice to change or not.   Our thoughts extend into new worlds of possibility and we accept the challenges that come our way as opportunities for growth.

When the ego identifies falsely with things outside of the Self it might be useful to notice what it attaches to when you are alone in a foreign land focusing on your yoga. Simply seeing where the ego tries to find its strength when it is cast adrift will be a powerful learning process. Without the patterns and habits for the ego to fall back on you are able to identify with what is more immediate to your experience and to what is more proximal to your center.  When you can release the world of the familiar where your attachments breed expectation and judgement, whether by stepping onto your mat or by traveling across the planet to Mysore, India, you can find the truth of who you are.  You identify with what is more true to the purest Self.  That is a gift of this practice and a gift of going to Mysore, to Guruji, and to the source of Ashtanga yoga.

From the Archives: Jan 8, 2009 What Is Yoga?

From the Archives: January 8, 2009

What is Yoga?

  The body, mind, and heart are inseparable.  What happens in one has an effect in the others.  They are all aspects of a whole, but we are more than a sum of these parts.  We exist in a physical world.  Our most obvious environment is that which we can touch and see.  With a yoga practice, we begin our intimate journey at the surface, the most gross level, the body.  Yoga is a journey within.  Over time, through a systematized process, and with the guidance of a qualified instructor, we move from what we know “is possible” through what we think “might be possible” and into what “certainly no human being is really capable of!”   It is a process that takes us across the terrain of the body, through the tossings and turnings of the mind, and past the foggy depths of emotion.  We come to the center, beyond these obstacles and distractions to discover ourselves in our purest, truest form.

Through asana we open and strengthen our body, mind, and heart.  Asana is the physical application of yoga.  Moving our bodies into and through various postures,  holding these living sculptures for several breaths or minutes before releasing and moving on to the next.  I myself practice the Ashtanga method as taught by Sri K. Pattabhi Jois and his grandson Sharath Rangaswamy.  This process, an intimate journey inward, moves from the gross to the most subtle.  In our asana practice, particularly in Ashtanga, the breath is incorporated.    It is synchronized to our movement, there to facilitate our effort or release of effort, our expanding or contracting.  The process of inhaling and exhaling moves energy, moves our awareness and draws us yet deeper inward.  The breath is a natural link between the awareness of the mind and the sensations of the body.  It is something that happens without our thinking of it, but also, we can override this automatic process and move the breath as we choose to, expanding our lungs more deeply with each inhale, lengthening the exhales, strengthening our diaphragm.  The whole time we can feel the breath passing the nostrils, the throat, filling the lungs. You may already notice that the breath changes depending on how much exertion is required of our physical body, our state of mind, and also our emotional state.  This relationship can be reversed.  As we learn to control and manipulate the path of the breath we also manipulate the reactions of the nervous system.  As we steady, lengthen, and calm the breath, our nervous system responds, relaxing the body, steadying the mind and bringing peace to our heart.  This is the pranayama practice. 

Yoga is traditionally undertaken only with the guidance of a Guru or qualified teacher.  Their job is to lead you through the process of self-discovery.  They have been there and done it.      It is not possible for you to anticipate the lessons you will face or what you will need to absorb them and grow.  A teacher is there to recognize the patterns that resist you, to show you what is possible and also to help you find your humility.  Through consistent asana practice over a long period of time we work from places of tension and stiffness or weakness and fatigue to places of freedom and release, to strength and stability.  While the asana practice has many health benefits that could be in and of themselves the purpose, there is more to it than that.   Within the experiences of the body we come to our first road blocks, our first uncrossable obstructions and learn that these can be overcome.  No matter the pose we are working on or our abilities regarding that pose, the real lessons are about how we react to the challenge.  When faced with resistance we learn what we need to move beyond.  Maybe our tendency is to retreat when actually more effort is required.  Or possibly the opposite, we use too much physical effort when we really need to just relax.  Without a teacher, we can become stuck without realizing we’ve retreated into habit.  In some cases we can actually cause injury by approaching something incorrectly.    Yoga shows us our habits, over and over again, until we learn new methods, retraining our bodies and developing a deeper awareness of how the body moves.  The challenges though are yours to face, a guru only gives you the tools to forge your path through the tangled brush that bars your way, to help you find your yoga for yourself.  The body transforms and how we perceive of the body transforms.  The body is, in a way, a training ground for more subtle challenges of the mind and emotions, and as we work through asana we are already beginning to incorporate these other aspects into our adventure.

So, as we struggle with a particular posture we not only feel our muscles straining, joints aching but we come to notice the dialogue dancing loudly in our mind.  What is that dialogue and is it really truth?  “This is too hard!”  “I’ll never get through this.”  “My arms are just too short for this pose.”  “I ate too much chocolate last night.”   Our ego, lovely companion on our journey, and only a distraction, though a strong one, is a way of identifying ourselves with things outside of the Self.  It is the ego that says, “I am too lazy to do yoga.”  or “If she can do this posture, I can certainly do it!”  It is the nature of the mind to do this.  Don't try to fight it or stop the chatter, only avoid attaching to those thoughts, send them into the background and shift your focus into the here and now.  The true Self is beyond labels or competition, it is present only in the moment of the experience.  A pose that is easy today may not be accessible tomorrow and we have to learn to accept that, to release expectation and be with the pose, be with the breath and our thoughts in that moment.  As we overcome one obstacle, then another, and then another, we learn that this negative voice of resistance can be silenced or at least turned down significantly, and we can keep moving.  The way we look at ourselves and perceive of the world around us begins to change without our even trying.  We stop the internal judgments and expectation and this expands beyond our skin to include those around us.    Just as the body was changeable, the mind is too.  Our thoughts extend into new worlds of possibility and we accept the challenges that come our way as opportunities for growth.  In a posture where the body is screaming for release and the mind is begging for escape we gain the strength to stay, one more moment, one more breath and let go of the fight.  In this moment, there is silence.

Beyond the body, beyond the mind, there is another dirty window through which we look at life, putting a haze over truth.  Emotion.   We store emotional experience in our bodies and we give stories to it with our minds.  As we open our bodies, as we open our minds we also open our hearts, often with very intense results.  When we go to new depths in a physical posture, overcoming self-doubt and judgment of the mind we reach that place of inner silence, and what we may find there is raw emotional experience.  Pain, fear, love, pity, anger, joy.  Whatever it is, it is brought to the forefront of our awareness to be released.  Sometimes we need to do further work, with assistance or with personal internal processing.  Sometimes the practice itself is enough to release the stored emotion.  A teacher once said to me that it is like a clog in a drainpipe.  When you’ve pulled out the clog, it may be necessary to examine it.  You discover that, “Oh, this is a hand towel.  I probably shouldn’t send that down the drain again, it will get stuck.”  Yet, other times it is simply enough that you’ve removed the obstacle and the passage is clear.  Toss the offensive thing away and move on.  Doing an asana practice, we have already learned that we have the strength and awareness to work through physical pain and resistance.  We have also learned how to discern the difference between self defeating thought patterns and our true beliefs.  Here, now, is the opportunity to work through emotional pain and resistance, to move past emotional patterns that have been unhealthy or that we simply no longer need.  

If the heart is opened through this process of yoga,  it is also, like the body and mind, strengthened.  We come to learn that we are affected only as we choose to be.  That it is the Self beyond the body, mind, and heart that is truly experiencing and can receive without reaction, can give without loss, can simply BE within the storms occurring around it.  Through the yoga practice, its struggles as well as triumphs, we gain compassion for ourselves and extend that compassion to those around us.  After all, we all hurt, we all have patterns that keep us stuck and expectations that lead to disappointment.  We learn to honestly, purely love ourselves and from that place we can offer love to others, allowing love to be an abundant flowing through.  The ego, sitting there in the passenger seat, becomes more and more sleepy and we begin to forget he is there.  He is no longer trying to control our choices, no longer shouting directions or attempting to grab the wheel.

On this road called yoga we make our way past physical challenges, mental distraction, and emotional blocks.  We discover the interconnectedness of body, mind and spirit.  Whatever happens within the realm of one, also has an effect in all the others.  It is not possible to isolate or categorize our human experience.    One event is intricately woven into and throughout the Self.  Through the process of a yoga practice we come to understand these connections.  Actually we come to understand that it is less a matter of separate things linked together and rather that it is one entity, the Self, the purest truest form of the Self that simply experiences its world through these differing filters.  It is this Self that yoga leads us to, introduces us to, makes us familiar with. The process itself is teaching us about ourselves.  That is it really, what this yoga stuff is all about.  It is a process of learning who we are, that we are not our bodies, we are not our minds or our emotions.  Who we are is something beyond all of that.  If at our core, in our most pure form we are an expression of tolerance, acceptance, compassion and peace, then we can see that expression at the core of all beings.  Beyond their own filters of physical abilities or inabilities, distracting and deceptive mental dialogue, and emotional wounds and protection mechanisms, the person is the same.  We are each of us the same.  When we sit, silent, our breath moving steadily deeply, our awareness drawn inward, awareness of the Self is allowed.  We can sit in our center and our edges soften and blur into the world around us.  There is equanimity and oneness.  This is the experience of meditation.  The Self is always there, it always has been, we are not attempting to create something new.  Yoga gives us the means to remove the debris so we can see clearly and so that our light is allowed to shine brightly outward.