the body is expressive - what story are you telling?

As a dancer, I became fascinated by the concept of interconnectedness, the idea the mind, body and spirit are inextricably linked.  Anything that occurs in one has an affect in the others.  Dance is an effort to express the broad spectrum and infinite variations of human experience through movement.  The body is the medium used by the artist to tell stories, show ideas, share emotions, and inspire dreams.  In a dance composition class, a teacher once said that the human body can't NOT express.  Even an attempt to make the body abstract (unless completely covered and unrecognizable as a body) is expressing something by its contradiction.  The human face, even attempting to be neutral is expressing something, interpretable by the observer because it is a human face void of expression.  Every person on the planet has experience with their bodies, whatever that experience may be, which gives them a frame of reference, a catalogue of memories, a store of emotions.  From this perspective, whatever they observe in the human body they are witnessing, they will recall something human within them.  For example, a body that suddenly turns its back you, could remind you of your father walking away and never returning or it could remind you of standing in line for your first movie, calling forth the emotions of these moments in your history.  Now, of course a dance composition would attempt to give context to the images in order to drawn out the intended response from its audience.  But this is possible because as human beings we have a shared language in that we all have bodies.  The body can then be effectively used by the artist to express the more subtle aspects of human experience, such as thought, emotion, inspiration.
In yoga, I have discovered that the same concept of interconnectedness is present and is in fact a thematic necessity, only the work is done in reverse to the way dance uses it.  Yoga asana functions on the belief that the work done in the physical will allow or even be a catalyst for transformation in the mind and spirit.  As we open and strengthen our bodies on the yoga mat, we are asked to be mindful, to be aware of the sensations that arise.  We recognize a sensation in the physical body, acknowledge it and breathe, the breath gives us the space to seek beyond the physical experience to the thought liked to the sensation.  Are we telling ourselves we can't do this?  That we are going to get hurt?  Is there a thought of stopping, giving up?  The mind saying, I just don't want to.  Is there self-judgment?  I'm so weak, I'm too lazy for this, I'm too short.  These thoughts then, if we stay with them and allow the observing self (the audience member?) to detach, lead us deeper to the emotions behind the thoughts.  Fear?  Doubt?  Anger?  Sadness?  As we experience an asana on the physical level we are given an opportunity to work thought thoughts and emotions expressed by it.  In yoga, movement allows us to discover the depth of our own humanity, the unhealthy or at least unhelpful thought patterns and emotional sticky places.  If we do the work with our bodies and allow that work to have an effect on the mind and spirit, then true transformation occurs.  We cleanse our way through sensations, thought and emotion and establish new physical and mental patterns, resulting in positive rather than negative emotion and a more pure expression of the self is freed.  

how an aching neck and smooshed nose reminded me who I am

For some time, I had been feeling that I lost a bit of connection.  To what?  my practice, my teachers, my routine, my life as I knew it.  I can say that I had been focusing energy on the ashtanga "7th series" - what Guruji called children and family.  Certainly, parenthood has taken a large priority role in my life, and also in 2012 we moved to a new city and I began a new teaching position - a lot has changed, a lot has been in flux.  I believed I was giving everything I could to my practice.  I was getting on my mat regularly, working my way back into my practice.  I was challenging myself - or so I thought.  Since moving, I have been doing a self practice, no teacher.  I believe and have said as much to many students faced with such an experience, that having a period of time that you have to continue your practice without daily working with a teacher has a lot to offer the ashtanga practitioner.  You can learn so much about yourself, what motivates you, what limits you allow yourself, where you complacencies are etc when you practice alone over a period of time. 
The catch, I recently learned, is that these lessons don't really become evident until you are again working with a teacher.  After more than 7 months of self-practice I made it back to Miami Beach to practice for a week with Kino MacGregor and Tim Feldmann.  Wow - what an eye opener.  While I have always believed it intellectually, it had been a while since I realized experientially how essential it is to do your yoga with a teacher.  Our personal samskaras, or habits, are strong and we can be succumbing to them without being aware.  That one week in Miami Beach kicked my ass!  I was made aware of how soft I had become in my efforts, how accepting of mediocrity, and simply, how lazy.  Kino and Tim pushed challenged me, they helped to me to see where I am more capable than I thought and where I need to really work - tapas! - in order to break free of my limitations.
The true and more profound experience was realizing the power of being pushed and challenged to face and overcome your perceived limitations.  For months I was aware that I was not feeling "myself".  I was on edge, short fused, grumpy...  Not constantly but certainly more than I felt was appropriate and natural for me.  I tried to blame it on hormones, on the exhaustion derived from the first year of parenting, even on my partner! It was in the midst of a dwi pada (a leg behind head pose where you balance on the sit bones) adjustment that I began to see the light.  I had mentioned to Kino and Tim that the balance has been a challenge in the pregnancy, and that I had gone through a prolonged neck, upper back pain, etc.  So, of course, Kino challenged me to stay in the posture for a long time.  As she is standing behind me, telling me to stay, my legs are becoming heavier and heavier on my neck, my gaze dropping, there goes my view of the wall, there goes my view of my mat, slowly collapsing into myself, my neck screaming to be released from this torture.  The words were on my tongue "my neck hurts! I need to come out!"  Then I swallowed them.  pause.  And Kino released me.  My neck was fine, but something within me shifted.  I didn't recognize it until a later practice when I was in pincha mayurasana (forearm balance) and to help me develop shoulder strength, Kino was challenging me to sift my weight further forward.  I felt myself weakening with every millimeter I moved forward, but I surrendered to my teacher, I kept breathing and shifting, more and more and more.  I felt the limit of my strength approaching and the I hit it, suddenly and dropped to my nose, and the rest of me followed.  I was huffing and puffing but smiling, Kino laughed a little, I think surprised.  I was elated!  It is a powerful thing to face your walls, to face your resistances.  Even failure includes a measure of success.  I had found more strength of body and mind and heart in that moment than I had maybe since giving birth and I was reminded of what a powerful person I am and what a powerful practice this is. 
The yoga practice is there to bring us to our friction points, bring us to our insurmountable walls and then demand that we scale them.  Oh, and not only scale them, but do so without succumbing to the desire to escape or complain or negotiate.  To do so with calm serenity and steady breath.
Sometimes in self practice, I thought I was approaching my challenges, pushing myself through them and gaining ground.  Maybe I was to a certain degree and maybe those small progressions were appropriate at the time.  my body was not ready immediately after having a child to be challenged in the way I was that week In Miami Beach.  But clearly, when I began to loose connection to my yoga off the mat, when the person I was began to revert to old patterns I thought I had done away with eons ago, that was the time to work harder, to give more blood sweat and tears to my practice.  And there was no way for me to see that at the time without the guidance of my teachers, who saw beyond my perceived limitations and saw what I was capable of more than I could.  Just from that one week, I felt myself change back into the person I had grown to be, back into he person I wanted to be.  Someone with more patience, less reaction.  Someone with more allowance, acceptance, tolerance and compassion.  Someone with absolute trust in the transformative power of this practice.

Is There Wisdom in "Want"?

Is There Wisdom In "Want"?

I recently moved from Miami Beach to Philadelphia and have been teaching a entirely new group of students since May.  It has been fascinating to me and also a challenge to adjust to the new yoga culture of this group.  Just like every one person has had their own experiences with the practice, every community develops a relationship with the practice based on their common experiences with environment, teachers, each other etc.  I am finding that I am having to adjust my teaching style and also having to access a different set personal experiences in order to connect.  In some ways it reminds me that as a teacher, I am continuously learning, but also reminds me that I do actually have many experiences to draw from.  In particular, I have noticed a certain trend in my students recently.  I find that many students are questioning the practice - "Why am I pushing my body this hard?", "Is it really important that I do it this way as opposed to that?",  "I have been doing this practice for years, why is nothing changing?"  My answers are usually related to the truth that I whole-heartedly believe in this practice!  I have passed through injury, doubt, physical extremes, emotional and mental extremes, etc and have made it, somehow, to the other side and realized that there is an amazing innate wisdom in the Ashtanga Yoga practice that I now cannot deny.  I believe that the practice itself, in its scientific, purposeful arrangement and yes, rules, knows what to do.  And if us mere humans, ignorant of any power beyond what we can see, taste, and touch, could just surrender to its plan, we will learn what it is all for.  We will reach the other side of this current challenge and, having overcome it, see its purpose and begin to trust.  But we have to begin.  We have to start the journey with trust and surrender and allow the practice to prove itself.  In this a teacher we can trust is important.  As a teacher I choose to assume that if you are in my class you are interested in being taught.  If you are choosing to be taught by me, I am committed to sharing everything that I have come to understand about this practice.  If I share information with you, it is something that comes from the practice itself as it was taught to me.  I will never give you information that is based on opinion without qualifying it as such.  I share the practice as I have experienced it because it works, it transforms, it is powerful.  In my recent experiences as a teacher, I am reminded of an article I read while taking teacher training courses almost ten years ago.  This was written by one of my first Ashtanga teachers, Paul Dallaghan of Centered Yoga and Yoga Thailand, Ko Samui.  Paul, if you catch this blog, thank you for these words that meant something significant to me once and now again bring meaning to my practice and I hope it is ok that I reproduce them here:

"Doing What My Body Wants"?

in other words, asana and pranayama practice dictated by your mood

Paul Dallaghan

A line often mentioned to me by students about their practice is that "I did as my body felt like today".  I believe it is good to listen to the body.  To be able to do so indicates a highly developed inner sense.  And if being done properly then one must have achieved certain levels in yoga.  At a basic level, I would say when the body is fatigued, when there is fever, then this is a time to understand this and adjust your practice.  What I have seen is students ignoring all signs that tell them practice today should not be done and more commonly, students using any condition to change or back out of practice.

Yoga is a powerful practice.  It is byond us, higher than us.  This is precisely the reason why it has been given to us and why we do it.  Our nature is covered up by many layers.  Our thoughts process and ability to comprehend things is thus clouded.  From ancient times, the practice of yoga has been going on, being taught by those who experienced it first hand.  It is a higher path, passed on to us to help clean us up and pull us out of this mess of confusion.  At its base are high scientific principles.  It is built on truth.  We all have this within us and need this system to help unearth it.

It therefore is self-defeating to say "I did what my body wants today".  Such an approach keeps one in the same rut, going around in circles without any hope of growth.  There my be superficial results such as feeling better in the body.  But this is what exercise is for.  It is also ego driven to think that "I" can solve this and go against what those wiser than us have passed on to us.  Most importantly though it is that this approach is usually emotionally driven.  Thus it is based on whim, your mood of the day or moment.  It is fair if one approached their practice like a scientist, following a course for a period of time, seeing its effect and seeing what needs to be changed or done next.  But when we go with inner whims each day we unfortunately achieve nothing.

In the Yoga Sutras, the authoritative text on yoga, Patanjali points out the obstacles that come in the way of your practice (I.30).  They are physical ailment, lethargy, unreasonable doubt, carelessness, laziness, undisciplined senses, imaginations, inability to reach higher experiences, and non-retention of the achieved experiences.  The whimsical practice of how I feel falls right in there.  To conquer them Patanjali advises the students to practice sincerely and with a focused mind.  Not just in the moment but over time.  A one-pointed practice done from the heart.  A practice the teacher has given you.  he acknowledges these obstacles will arise and we must practice to overcome them.  Even when injured apply this intelligence.  Perhaps a period of rest is necessary.  Then modification in practice while following the approach given.  Over a period of time this grows and the physical ailment is conquered.  The other obstacles aren't given space to sprout up and affect us even more.

It is the nature of the mind to rebel and lead us astray.  This is normal.  We should acknowledge it.  And then we should remember it when these mental moments come.  If I am weak or fevery then to limit or stop my practice is justifiable.  When not then it is of most benefit to follow the teacher's instructions and just practice.  Typically the mind wants much variation and is continually distracted.  The state of yoga is a calm, undistracted mental state, ultimately beyond mind.  More importantly though, as it is unchartered territory for the students, and the effects are very subtle, there is typically a complete lack of understanding of real inner process.  Only towards the end of a "clearing" is it then understood.  Changing or stopping in the middle is like pulling the cake out of the oven, not ready and inedible.  Put it back and let it finish the process.  This is also why a competent and experienced teacher is needed.  Ant not just that, but that they have spent time with a teacher who themself is connected to the vast teachings and rich lineage of this higher art and science.

So the practice of yoga focuses and calms the mind.  in essence it builds tremendous mental strength.  This can only be achieved when one follows the prescribed practice, daily.  If we pull back and look out over, say, a twenty-year period we will find much variation in practice.  Yet, we will see this it has come from progression.  A certain practice was followed, a stage achieved, the next step moved on to, and so on.  But we get stuck in the intermediate and suffer from this impatience and weakness of mind.

Simply, the truest and greatest benefit comes from following the teacher-given practice each day.  After a while a barrier is crossed and strength of mind is gained.  Through experience one learns the results.  When done on one's whim, constantly changing it around because "I feel this or that" will leave the student at ground zero going around in circles.  So fight the urge to play around.  Stick to your practice and watch the mind develop, the heart open.  Even when doing the same system for so many months in a row the experience within is constantly changing.  To benefit from yoga trust in the the practices and advice of those higher than us who have achieved its end.

Guidelines for Teachers: Pregnancy Practice

Guidelines for Teachers:  Pregnancy Practice

There seems to be a trend of pregnant students at MLC, I was one of them.  We joked that there was something in the water!   It has taught me a lot about working with women during pregnancy and I feel it is important to share.  There are some guidelines that I recommend to you as teachers when you work with pregnant students.  My disclaimer is that moms to be should find a caregiver that they trust and should not do anything that contradicts what her caregiver has instructed.  These are voiced from the perspective of the Ashtanga Mysore practice method but whatever your practice, the principles remain the same:

1.  Trust the mommy to be and encourage her to trust herself
        This means that a pregnant student can do anything they want - within reason and as long as it honors the Ashtanga method intentions (progression, vinyasa, etc)  Acceptable changes to the practice can include: modifying or eliminating postures, adding in feel good poses (like cat / cow, or hip openers) as long as they make sense, piecing together portions of primary, second etc as long as the poses were part of their pre-pregnancy practice and the sequencing makes sense and honors Ashtanga intention.  General rule - if it doesn't feel right, they shouldn't do it and you shouldn't ask them to (even if they can't articulate why it doesn't feel right, they are receiving a message from their body and / or their baby and should listen to it)  See if you can come up with a modification or allow them to eliminate the posture all together.

2.  Protect Don't Push
        Never push a pregnant practitioner to do more than she is comfortable doing.  She is growing a person with her body and is using more energy sitting still than a non-pregnant person uses while working out.  This means don't let her get overheated, out of breath, or a racing heart.  Don't deepen her in any postures any further than she is comfortable with.  If she can only do one back bend for three breathes - allow it and avoid judgment from you or from her to herself.  She may already be judging herself for being lazy or questioning if she could do more.  Your job is to protect her from doing too much.  Ashtanga yogis have a tendency to push too hard as it is and some may not be tuned in enough to know when they are going too far.  Be aware of your students ego tendencies and know when it is right to encourage them to take it easy.  However, if a woman feels good with her practice allow her to do as she sees fit (except adding new postures or more difficult versions of postures - pregnancy is not the time to introduce new things to the body and nervous system - the pregnancy is doing enough of that without the yoga)  Also realize that the mommy is flushed with a hormone that is helping her body to expand and make room for the baby, this hormone affects all soft tissues and connective tissues.  She may seem more open and flexible, but this does not mean it is safe to push her into deeper flexibility, in fact the opposite is true.  As she and you are unable to feel the limitations, overstretching and injury is way more likely during pregnancy and continues if she nurses.

3.  Forward folds and twists
        Don't adjust these postures.  Forward folds and twists compress the uterus.  A pregnant woman should only go as far into these poses as she is able to by her own efforts, never by receiving deepening adjustments.  In fact all twists that move into the body (ie Marichyasana C and D, Pasasana etc) should be modified or eliminated.  If you are going to touch a student during forward folds or open twists (like Bharadvajasana) do so only to give support, not to deepen.  This guideline also applies to any posture that puts the heel of the foot into the abdomen (ie Ardha Badha Padmotanasana, Janusirsasana C, Marichyasana B, etc)

4.  Inversions
        These can be eliminated all together but if your students want to practice them, they should only be upside down for short periods of time, no more than a couple of minutes.  Encourage women to eliminate inversions completely in the last 6 or so weeks.  They should begin to honor any downward energy they feel and visualize the baby descending, inversions could interrupt that intention.  There may be an exception for babies presenting breach, I have heard that inversions can aid in turning the baby to a head down presentation, but the mother should check with her caregiver

5.  Second Series back bends:
When adjusting the first sequence of back bends in second series - never give pressure into the floor ie never sit on the pregnant student in Bekasana and in the others, allow the weight to shift from the abdomen to the hips and even thighs.  My experience with these poses was the sensation of laying on a fragile water balloon, a balloon that you have to protect from popping. 

Every woman experiences pregnancy differently so even if you have been pregnant you cannot know exactly what each mother is going through while on the mat.  Even if she has been pregnant before, each experience may present things that are completely new.  It is an insecure and sometimes frightening time, not to mention exhausting, and painful.  I give you these guidelines so that you are not an element that adds to the pressure and challenges she is already dealing with.  I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I want you to take it seriously and the truth of the mater is that when you are adjusting or even verbally directing a pregnant student in your class, her health and her baby's vitality (um... life) are in your hands.  Honor your pregnant students and keep them safe.

Good Bye Miami Life Center

  

I am writing this with less than a month remaining to my time living and teaching yoga in Miami Beach.  The past five years have been momentous for me as a student of yoga and as a teacher, not to mention the dramatic changes to my home and family recently.  It still seems surreal to be leaving a place that has meant so much to me, but the time has come and I am going. 

For those that may not know my story, I met Kino in India.  I had known her name from previous teachers that suggested I practice with her.  When we met in India, I learned she was opening a shala in Miami and by the time I returned to the states I had decided to move to Miami Beach and was accepted as a teacher at Miami Life Center.  The change happened at a time in my life that I was ready for the next phase to present itself.  I was in Chicago feeling as though there was something more for me, more than I was finding there.  So I packed my life into storage and went to India, thinking, “I will figure it out in India.”  After four years without a regular teacher, I was ready for that constant presence in my practice.  I was ready to be challenged.  I was ready to make a lifestyle shift and to make my yoga my priority.

Miami Life Center has a magic within its walls that nearly everyone feels when they walk through the door.  It is the energy of transformation.  Things seem possible here.  And one feels supported, cared for in their journey.  Kino, Tim and Greg began this place with a shared intention that has become infused in the rooms.  Every teacher that has joined the community, every student that has passed through, have added their prana to the space, and it is tangible.  It is different than any other place I have taught and it is what makes Miami Life Center special and amazing!

Kino, aside from Guruji and Sharath, I consider you to be my teacher, but over the past five years you have become so much more to me.  With you as my teacher, my yoga practice has grown, deepened and progressed further than I expected it to in this life.  Third series was something that five years ago I wouldn’t even allow myself to imagine, and now I am here and what was once impossible is possible.  You seem to understand how I learn, what my body needs and how my mind understands.  Effortlessly, you have encouraged me to work harder than I think I can.  You get more out of me on the mat than anyone I have ever worked with, and this is how I know you are my teacher – you believe in me. 

Also, as a teacher, you believe in me.  You have this amazing ability to connect to a vision and trust it completely.  I have seen you do it with many others and I know you have done it with me.  Hardly knowing me you allowed me to join the group at Miami Life Center.  You gave me a chance as a teacher and then supported my growth from day one until the present, and I feel you will continue to do so even after I leave.  My understanding of this practice and how to share it with students has been refined under your mentorship.  You remind me to work from a place of compassion and to believe in the transformative power of Ashtanga yoga.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Tim and Greg, you also became mentors to me these past five years.  I have learned so much from both of you that will stay with me as a student of yoga and as a teacher for the eternity of my experiences with yoga.  You welcomed me and opened yourselves to me, sharing your personal talents and knowledge.  Greg, I value your understanding of yogic philosophy and your ability to draw philosophical concepts into the asana practice.  I cherish the conversations we have had over the years and  I will always hear your voice chanting the sutras in my head.  Tim, your enthusiasm and understanding of the intricacies of the human body’s potential is astounding.  With your fingertip you could completely change my alignment and connection to subtle movements of energy within a posture.  And I admire and aspire to your degree of commitment to the tradition and lineage that is Ashtanga yoga.  I aim to integrate a little of each of you in how I approach this practice, thank you for sharing your yoga with me

The teaching community at MLC is as special as the directors.   You are all amazing teachers with incredible yoga to share.  What I value the most about teaching with you all is the sense of cooperation, support and friendliness I have felt.  I feel that all of you are my friends and that we wish the absolute best for each other, without the sense of competition that can sometimes happen.  We are a family and it is this mingling support and respect for each that that can be felt by the students and helps them to feel supported in their personal journey as they move form one class to another, sometimes changing teachers.  Thank you for your support and respect these years.

And finally, thank you to all of the students I have worked with during my time in Miami Beach.  You have taught me as much as my teachers have.  Thank you for opening your hearts, minds and lives to me.  Thank you for letting me in and letting me have an affect on you.  Thank you for trusting me and allowing me to guide you.  Thank you for sharing your stories and giving me a view of your transformations.  I have watched so many of you accomplish amazing change and experience profound awakenings.  It is watching all of you discover and explore your own yoga paths that keeps me inspired and reminds me over and over again why I became a teacher.  Thank you. 

Of course I will be back.  Kino will always be my teacher.  MLC will always be a home for me.  Kino and I are already discussing future workshops so keep your eyes open for me to return and please visit me at Shanti Yoga Shala if you are ever in Philly.  Keep practicing, see you soon.